Sick of it all – Part 1

It’s January,and it’s been a frustrating day. For some reason this prompted me to think about all those other things that annoy me.

So here it is. A whinge. A moan. A vent.And some swears.

In no particular order, a run down of my current bug bears in the land of food and drink. This might take a while…

Prosecco:

It’s nice enough and I probably won’t turn down a glass if you offer me one but I feel the same about Cava, tonic water or pretty much anything really. What bothers me is that there is some sort of fashion for Prosecco now that seems entirely separate from the fundamental question of ‘do you actually like this drink?’. From water bottles to bedding to godawful inspirational posters there in a deluge of tat with some sort of slogan on it. Here are some examples I just googled:

‘Prosecco is the answer, what was the question?’

‘I make Prosecco disappear, what is your super power?’

‘Oops, I bought Prosecco again instead of milk’

If we take away the fact that fashion seems now include naff quotes about booze we uncover a bigger problem ( which would take me hours to write about) which is essentially products aimed at women that focus on an image of being ditzy, alcohol dependant princesses . It promotes a culture that sets my teeth on edge. Maybe I will write about it..

I am sure some people like this drink and this aesthetic but there is something about this movement that irritates the hell out of me.

Flavoured gin and gin liqueurs

These are gateway drinks to standard gins really, but they have had a boom in the last year. The good food show was full of them. Whilst I have no major issue with them as an occasional thing ( it’s not a new concept) it does mean everything is basically sugar now. Hubba Bubba gin, strawberry tart gin, vanilla sponge cake gin, it’s all essentially grown up pop and you lose the taste of gin completely. When someone tells me they love gin and reel off a list of this sort of stuff but that they don’t drink normal gin I am instantly enraged.

Faux American Barbeque:

I struggle to find a proper name for places like this but I was pleased to discover a bunch of the Birmingham ones have closed. Rub, The Smokehaus, Hickory’s smokehouse (outside of Chester) for example, all of these places went for the ‘quantity over quality’ approach and my lasting memories are over overly large portions of similar tasting meat that are either gasping for some sauce or are drowning in it. Hickorys is still going but I won’t be returning. I’m glad the others are long gone. I will stick with Buffalo & Rye thank you very much.

Sweet Chilli:

Bored of it. Stop putting it on my food please. Normal chilli sauce is perfectly fine, or maybe thinking something more exciting.

Salted Caramel:

See above. Stop putting it on all of my food. Done well it’s great but I genuinely wouldn’t be surprised to see someone selling salted caramel sprouts right now.

Street Food:

I love street food, it’s the highlight of many a holiday and in Birmingham we have an excellent street food scene. Street food is humble and simple, made by real people and eaten on the move. But if I am making an emergency food run to a supermarket at lunch and see anything labelled as street food then it just seems so insulting to those that do it properly. It’s not a trend, it’s a culture and should be protected!

Pulled anything:

A mix of the above, commonly found in supermarkets or shit pubs you now can expect flacid meat reheated in a microwave pot with some insipid sauce. It’s is a trend that just won’t die and god it really should. I love slow food, I love pulled meats, I love barbeque but the horizons are so much broader. Give me some ox,pig or cod cheeks any day. Or if you want to do pulled pork, which can be so great then don’t fuck around, take the time and do it properly.

Coffee:

This is a huge subject. To put it nicely anyone who proclaims they can’t live without coffee sets off my internal alarm that screams ‘what a wanker’. Unless you have some medical condition I don’t understand then yes, you can live without coffee, much like Prosecco there is a culture around this that is farcical but if you want to wear a shirt that says ‘talk to me after coffee’ then that is your choice, but I will hate you for it.

Of particular annoyance is that people generally don’t drink coffee, instead its a non recyclable cup of brown sugary milk at best. At its worst, its a ‘coffee free frap’ designed to be seen with and plastered on instagram and not consumption. None of these things taste remotely like actual coffee. The other end of the scale are the uber coffee snobs that are an equally annoying breed. They will judge you no matter what you make or order so just lie and say you are drinking tea instead.

If you are talking about coffee for anything more than ordering purposes or retelling an amusing anecdote about spilling it over your crotch then then you probably fall into the wanker category. It’s just a drink. It’s really not that important in the grand scheme of things.

Further note from Jordan, coffee culture has now made a bad cup of tea expensive. It’s just a tea bag and hot (not boiling) water and it’s, wait, how much?

Protein:

There are tonnes of good articles about protein. From reliable scientific sources and not some gymbro PT or powder company.

Most people don’t know what they need, why they need it or where it comes from (a separate issue) but most packaged foods are plastered with some sort of proclamation about protein now.

This notion that more protein = a healthy diet and this is an advertisers dream. We spend money on things we feel make us healthier, we feel less guilt about buying them and are more inclined to spam the internet with photos of our ‘healthy treats’. I’m sure the Mars and Snickers bars that now come with ‘added protein are designed entirely with our health and wellbeing in mind…

Protein is important. But do some proper research and don’t buy into the gimmick.

Freakshakes:

I am honestly amazed that these still exist but just like unicorn food, rainbow food and any other ridiculous idea these seem to have an ever growing fan base mostly with kids. I can’t drink milkshakes but If I did the last thing I would ever want is bits in it ( hello KFC krushems 🤮) they are just abhorrent. Please stop buying these things.

Apparently people are surprised that there is a national obesity crisis…

This scrapes the surface of my current rant list so I’m calling this part one..

*all images lifted off the internet and are not my own.

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